I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
