Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
