Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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