i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
