dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
