Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
