R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
