whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
