Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
