I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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