If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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