We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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