ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
