Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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