Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
