Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
