Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
