Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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