I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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