***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
