i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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