Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
