I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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