When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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