New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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