I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
