Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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