i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
