I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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