Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
