She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
