Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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