if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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