Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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