I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
