my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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