True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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