the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
