i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
