He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
