I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
