so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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