Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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