so that wasnt chicken after all
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
