I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
