Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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