Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
