sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
