I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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