I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
